One of the good things about these internets is you run across mash-ups like this one. Funniest thing I have seen/heard in a awhile.

Here's a scary idea for you. Try to go without ANY media-TV, Net, Books, DVDS, CDS, etc.- for 1 week and see how you do. I have been mulling over trying it; not on vacation mind you, but in my normal home-office routine.

I dunno.

Will it make me lose mental weight? Will me eyeballs sharpen and protrude? Will I become strangely silent, like a Zombie with nothing to talk about?

                      (Nuns Playing volleyball on Redondo Beach, 10:42 am)

One Sunday morning, Mother said to Dad, “Let’s go to church.” Dad said, “O.K.” When they drove up in front, Dad showed no sign of getting out of the car. Mother said, “Aren’t you coming in?” Dad said, “No, I’ll wait for you here.”

"Hello, my name is David and I am a sex addict."

"Hi David!"

"While working in Hollywood as an actor, mostly TV but some bad movies as well, I began to use sex to get through the day, often having sex in the morning to calm the shakes before going before the kliegs. I even found myself having sex in front of my children with anyone willing at hand; or without anyone at hand except myself. As my career went lateraI,  I even found myself having sex at work and would often black out on set, nude and spent..

One day my friend told me about an orginization that could help aging actors who play sex addicts on TV in real life. So here I am."

(sound of clapping, some sniffles)

Unless you live in LA, you don't know how tempting the following Craigslist Ad is. Imagine never sweating the rush hour 405 to the 110 for that all-important audition again! Arrive at Teddys in style without worrying about the valet and his infernal fee  tip.

(via Lisanti quarterly)

Funny Stuff. Go here to enjoy more.

How does it come to this? One day you're sittng in the cat-bird's seat, enjoying a BBQ on your new slate patio with your beautiful wife and two healthy kids. You see the evening sunlight filter through her sundress, revealing her still-firm legs, as she gives the steaks a turn. You take a big long drink of single malt and look toward heaven with a smile.

So absurdly happy.

How could it come to this? Homeless, clutching a can of cheap beer, penniless. Was it one too many times into the honey jar? One-over-the-nine at your local watering hole? Was it the addiction to young bear pornography? Or was it something deeper, darker..unnamable?

All is not lost, however, not yet ,for you are still alive. You have heard of a group of bears who meet regularly together to smoke cigarettes and drink coffee and speak of new beginnings. Yes, Mr. Bear, stand up and make your way over there and raise both paws high into the air and say "My name is Fred and I am a..!"

Then help yourself to all the cookies you can eat.

Remember this: It's never too Late.

Kids (and seniors!) these days are making six-figures with 'web pages' so this tune might change..maybe. I mean, if you can write well, take good pics, or do something incredibly dangerous or X-rated on a regualr basis. Go on! Take the plunge.

June 27, 2008

 Is my heart dying fast or am I just living? Am I missing something? Should I embrace what I haven’t? I should work harder, drink less, and try to move in a direction that is more honest? But when you do what I do, well..

Evening Commute Drink Club

The first rule of evening commute drink club is that you do not talk about evening commute drink club. The second rule of evening commute drink club is that you do not talk about evening commute drink club.

This should be obvious.

The third rule of evening commute drink club is that you do not talk or text on your cell during ECDC. You only have two hands and to be toooo greedy, well, that hazard speaks for itself. CHP is in a deep budget crisis and they are just looking for an excuse on the 405, the 110, the 10, the 60, the 105, and of course the 91. Besides, you will probably say something you truly regret to the friend or lover who jilted you years a go (which you keep in your contacts for this very reason) but don’t press those numbers. It can but open another can of worms for you to deal with on top of keeping your car in the proper lane.

Leave it.

The fourth rule of ECDC is to always use an inconspicuous container. A Bud Ice can screams stop me for I want the attention and drama of getting caught. If you are still in this stage you do not belong in ECDC. Make you way home and lay your head in your Mother’s lap. If she is no longer around, search out the legally youngest friend you have and split a six of Zuma and tell them all about it.

The fifth rule of ECDC is do not give into the temptation of checking out your fellow motorist no matter how hot or insane or rich they may be. There is only one reason to take your eyes off the road during ECDC and that is for the world-shattering occurrence of a dog or cat darting out in front of you.  ECDC is hard-pressed to give advice in this triptych so suffice it to say hurt yourself before you hurt others (or your cocktail)

The sixth rule of ECDC is do not, no matter what high school anthem comes on the radio or you manage to punch up your Ipodwalkman, turn up the volume to murderous levels. The desire to lip-sync, or even worse, start dancing in the saddle only attracts unwanted attention and we all know where that leads to while sipping on a Nail Bomb in a plastic gator-aid bottle; jail, or worse.

A word to the wise. More to come.

" You dirty old baboon, you dirty old baboon. For as long as I can remember it seems to me that whenever I'm trying to go to sleep I can hear you saying dirty things. You say the dirstiest things in the whole world, you dirty filthy, horny baboon. There will come a day when you get yours, when all the bananas in the house will disappear and you will be forced to eat salt peter by all the women you have ever wronged."

Singer-Songwriter Amy Winehouse on the way to her dayjob, a cramped office where she answers the phone for a satellite office of a Japanese caster manufactuer. She buys her lunch from the nice lady who sales loose cigarettes in the lobby, thank you very much.

Ever feel like your day job as a caster salesman is interfering with your efforts to become an artist? Like you have not paid your dues, put anything really of value on the line (like your life? freedom? your veins??) Ahh, it happens to us middle-class folks who feel we just have a bit toooo much to lose when it comes down to living or dying for your art.

Well, we can always dress the part if nothing else. Here's bohemian Pete on his way to see of all people, Amy Winehouse. Try as I might, I just can't see him in a day job.

There are indeed many things to pray for on this February Friday. Oh, that one does not marry one's fetish, one does not answer the phone while plowed, that Michael Bay retires from filmmaking and takes up real estate sales, etc. etc. Hollywood seems flat these days, no? Not even the strike settlement could get the natives riled up. Maybe come Spring-time, things might get more exciting.