If Superman Returns seems like heavy fare this July 4th, then try out Ankle Biters: (2002) writ & dir: Adam Minarovich; w/ Adam Minarovich, Michael Moore, Timothy Faye. No skin; no gore. · · · The last of the vampires are all midgets so they get a magic sword that turns a big biker into a vampire so they can have their own tall vampire because the nice-guy tall vampire wants to kill them and so does this rich guy who makes a hobby of hunting vampires. But really, it's all about that nice-guy vampire because -- you guessed it -- it's all about making the writer/director/star look cool. They seem to have spoofable material here, but it sure looks like they thought they were making a serious picture. However, they wasted so blasted much time trying to look and sound so blasted kewl and squeezing all of their friends into the flick that they prove themselves just too impossibly dorky to make any of it work. A script scribbled on two squares of toilet paper, bad music, bad fake fangs, really, really bad acting, and that flippin' cameraman was always trying so desperately for stylish angles and swooshy-motions... either that, or he was stoned the whole time. Where they try for funny, they fail painfully, but where they try for cool, they fail hilariously -- so I suppose it’s not a complete waste -- provided you've got the patience for all that slow-motion strutting. bad cinema dairy