Me on the couch, late 80s rom-com on the tube, salty-sweet snack at hand, mid-forties, and most damning of all, a thousand-yard stare.

Right.

But don’t let that stare fool ya. The work of Simpson-Bruckheimer, Feldman, Estevez, Hughes et al, really does deserve a closer reading but anyway, I veer off topic. I don’t dream of changing your judgment reader, tourist, manic-depressive, or pick- pocketing your pity, or even worse, eliciting your impassioned edification. Nothing from you would be nicest but just in case anyone gets any ideas, let the record show: It took me years of blood, sweat, and tears to reach this state of nirvana, to learn what Clint Eastwood really meant when he muttered that immortal line “a man’s got to know his limitations.”

I’ll make it quick. I got a decent public school education despite having little ability beyond reading comprehension. I put in the time on my dreams of becoming a film auteur- ramyen, 17-hour-days, terrible films; a traveler- dysentery, mind-crushing boredom, RSL (Retardish as a Second Language) affairs; a writer- bone-chilling loneliness, sling-bladed rejection, alcoholism; and last but not least, a real estate agent- staggering dental debt, affidavits, the devil’s own ill-timing.

Being part Irish bulldog, part American Indian aardvark, I held on to my dreams even tighter, going so far as to write “Genius is 99% Persistence” on a post-it note and super-gluing it to my bathroom mirror. I read books of philosophy, finding-your-way-in-life best-sellers (never knew there were so many) books that guided me to self-help groups where I meant some really cool, interesting people, you name it I tried it. Actually, let me quantify that: I drew the line at “Plant Fucking: Getting Off the Beaten Path and Finding Your Higher Calling.” Yet, the  truth be told, in the back of mind that 1% kept getting bigger, bigger, and bigger like a Mega-Lotto figure until one rainy day love came through my front door, sized up the situation remarkably fast, and said on the way out my door: “Wake up and smell the coffee! Get a job in customer service, reduce your expenses, and RELAX.”

And like a man drowning, burning and expanded lungs full of water, I let go, got an entry-level job at a Korean-owned wig-manufacturer, and finally relaxed for the first time in my life.