Just practicing my yellow journalism headline writing skills in case I move to London. Actually, I have real news that will help A-List Producers of Tinsel Town. David Holmes of Manchester Metro University has arrived at the formula for the perfect ass:

 S is the overall shape or droopiness of the bottom, C represents how spherical the buttocks are, B measures muscular wobble or bounce, while F records the firmness. V is the hip to waist ratio, or symmetry of the bottom, and T measures the skin texture and presence of cellulite. I'm not sure if it includes all ethnic types but variations possibly can be made to the formula. What is it? I'm his agent and it starts at 8% of your toal budget, including marketing and promo. It's (S+C) x (B+F)/T = V. Now to the auditions!