In these trying times of celebutard excess, it is well to rememeber a legend who not only did it better, but did it to death. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Don Simpson 2007!

I emptied my bank account and went to the Hollywood costume store. My heart beating fast, I asked the clerk for a Don Simpson circa 80s or early 90s. He gave me a curious look and disappeared through a red curtain. Presently he returned with the race car suit from the Tom-Cruise vehicle "Days of Thunder."

"I'll take it!" I said excitedly.

He looked bored. "Doesn't come with accessories."

I told him this was not a problem, payed for it, and went to a 24 hour pharmacy around the corner on Ivar. I stocked up on all the legal pills I could-brand names; no bs generic ones for Don didn't roll that way- and before I left I bought a pair of out-of fashion sunglasses and asked the pharmacist if I could use the restroom to change into my costume. She looked me over and montioned around the corner.

I changed into my replica of the exact racing suit that Simpson wore as an extra in his own film "Days of Thunder" and left the pharmacy feeling great, powerful. I let the few odd looks of some patrons roll off my back as they could not touch me anymore. Going out the door, I got my vintage cell phone and called my limousine which was ideling at the corner. The driver failed to get out and open my door for me. I screamed he was a "sonofabitch!" and barked at him to take me to a drug dealer that Charlie Sheen had reccomended sometime, somewhere on Vermont...

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