For those of you who are left embittered, cantankerous souls by the commercial onslaught "the holidays", please consider Festivus. It's for the rest of us.

Instead of an opulent Christmas tree bestrewn with years of collected and stowed away articles that carry some kind of nostalgic value, BEHOLD The Aluminum Pole. It stands as a the anti-Christmas tree- beautiful in it's metallic simplicity. It doesn't need water, or ever dries out, and one doesn't curse his Maker after having punctured his palms with yet another pine needle while trying to wrap a mesh of antiquated bulbs around it. Also, the pole can be used to ward off unruly guests or "holiday" carolers.

Instead of a generally mediocre meal slaved over somewhat futily by the family matriarch and lesser female figures, consider the Airing of Grievances. Each guest reveals to each of the others how they have disappointed him/her. The truth will set you free, or so I've been told. Why play the tired charade (where everyone pretends that the under-cooked ham is fantastic and Dad and Son really love each other), when you damn well know it's not OK? Get it out in the open over a few burgers and some Budweiser tallboys. Scrap din-din and air that dirty laundry.

And, lastly, instead of  the dreaded "gift exchange" where most lie through their teeth about the likelihood of wearing the fushcia sweater Aunt Rose bought, how bout the Feats of Strength. What a way to end the Festivus celebration! All gather round to see if Grandfather can be wrestled to the ground and pinned. What fun! Imagine Gramps entangled in a sweaty manlock with Cousin Bobby on the shag carpet. They kick and bite and whince, until finally Gramps succumbs. Everybody cheers. And another Festivus celebration has come to an end.

Doesn't sound to bad does it? Check out Wikipedia for the full run-down.

NOTE: The Aluminum Pole is not intended to cudgel Feats of Strength participants into submission.